Why It's Biblical to Love Yourself and Forgive Yourself

It took me a very long time to get to the point where I understood why it is Biblical to love ourselves, or to be more specific, “to love myself”. It took me even longer to understand why it is Biblical to forgive ourselves...myself. I'm certain I am not the only one who has studied the Bible thoroughly for years and struggled with this. Originally, this was partly rooted in a false image of what God was really like--a loving, accepting Abba-Father--and partly a need to be free from a spirit of condemnation (which I misunderstood to be “God's correction” or conviction). Additionally, it was because of a reaction to pop-culture psychology that pushed it excessively while at the same time dis-espoused anything of Jesus from its pseudo-inner healing and pseudo-self-help philosophy. (To say nothing about pseudo-prophecy and pseudo-spiritual knowledge). Even still, having been free from aforementioned misconceptions and experiencing the Father heart of God truly, I still couldn't wrap my mind around it. I knew the Father's unending, unconditional love. I knew His complete forgiveness. I understood His value for me and His identity over me. It just didn't seem right to “love myself,” and especially to “forgive myself”. Some of my hesitancy was because of the mantras that so many churches, schools, and society preach that sound good, but aren't quite right – at least the way they are often applied and the intent behind why they are delivered to the masses.

Things like:

"Life isn't about you."

“The Church doesn't exist for you”

"Live to serve others."

"Put others before yourself."

"Don't be narcissistic or selfish."

All of these ideas have roots in Biblical concepts (I could give you verses to proof-text each and every one), but the proper expression of these is only found when Christ is served and given first place and He works His love and power through us to live these out in the way He intended – not through some self-imposed rules and introspection using our own understanding—where our hearts condemn us needlessly and we live without power.

These phrases have a nice way of sounding "spiritual," but the problem with these mantras, is that (when misapplied) they perpetuate the enemy's lies of insignificance, false condemnation, self-hatred, and purposelessness -- which feeds the very attitudes Jesus has come to eradicate. Too much of the world (including the Church) believes this because they live under a religious spirit that poses as god -- making them feel horrible all the time and never truly receiving the Father's love, forgiveness, and acceptance of them. I understand that the church is trying to respond to a cultural attitude which is self-absorbed, self-idolizing, and dishonoring of God and His Word. However, the proper response to this does not involve agreeing with a lie that says we are nothing and only God is anything. This is super-spiritual and religious. If this were so, then God would never have made mankind. He would never have sent His Son. He would have existed by Himself and only for Himself. But love and grace are giving. They impart a worth that is undeserved -- a worth that doesn't disappear the moment we receive it, so we can become slaves all over again. It might seem counter-intuitive to present to a selfish person their worth and significance, but I would suggest to you that the reason people are selfish is because they don't understand how much God truly loves them. They are orphaned in their hearts and desperately grasping for anything in life out of fear and terror that what they value will be taken at any moment, not knowing that what the Father has for them is unending in generosity and grace. Of course there is a bigger picture that God has in mind and all the stories in the Bible are typo-logical of Christ. Our lives are as well -- as living epistles (2 Cor. 3:2). Of course all glory, honor, and power will ultimately go to Jesus. However, the balanced response is to communicate His perfect love and acceptance to the world (and the Church for that matter) -- the identity and significance which Jesus has paid for by His own blood -- to be sons of the living God. "Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us, that we should be called the sons of God." I don't think an artist would think he was being honored if you said that his work was "nothing" but "the artist is really something." Emphasizing the significance and value that the Father places on each one of us doesn't diminish the glory that belongs to Jesus. It does, in fact, amplify it.

I knew all that.

I still had a hard time, because I couldn't find any verses in Scripture that said you should “love yourself” or even “forgive yourself”. In fact, Jesus said many things that seem to indicate otherwise:

-"Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me."

-"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple.”

-"In the last days people will be lovers of their own selves..."(not AT ALL indicating a good thing).

(By the way, I believe these ideas need to be interpreted in light of God's goodness of unending love, rather than some kind of heartless devotion to a misplaced ideal at the expense of relationship).

There is, of course, a self-love and selfishness that is of the world and the sin-nature, and not from Jesus. It is a kind of self-preservation that seeks only comfort and doesn't like correction, and especially despises anything painful – the same diabolical attitude that Peter had when he was trying to protect Jesus from going to the Cross and Jesus said, “Get behind me, Satan.” The modern twist is that it protects itself by calling every other view “religious,” even if it really is God's Word. (Christian, beware!).

And there are people that try to forgive themselves (or others) without any power that comes from the blood of Jesus or the Holy Spirit. They experience no genuine difference in themselves or relationships because of this. Every religion has some kind of “forgiveness” aspect of it, but without Jesus, it doesn't do anything, because it doesn't have the Authority to forgive without Him, since He is the Judge that alone can release guilt. And Jesus' blood is the atonement for sin, “Without the shedding of blood, there is no remission of sins.” So, without Jesus, there is no TRUE forgiveness, not even between people.

I kept praying about the two ideas, however, because I heard so many respected Christian leaders talk about “loving yourself” and “forgiving yourself”. I just couldn't find the Scriptures to back up what they were saying, so I left it on the shelf. I couldn't just take their word for it, just because they were big, popular, or influential. I needed God to show me in a way I could understand, if it was truly of Him.

THEN....

I had this revelation from a few verses that helped me to understand loving ourselves from His perspective.

One was Jesus' words, "Love your neighbor as yourself." It seems simple and most everyone has heard of the “Golden Rule” - “treat others as you want to be treated”. But I think there is more to it than our first impressions and how most people apply it. It is implied in these words that we must love ourselves if we are to properly love others. Some would say that we already love ourselves, so that isn't a problem. They would say we often love ourselves too much. I would disagree. Loving ourselves AS JESUS LOVES US is different from how the sin nature wants to be loved -- often rooted in lust, covetousness, and pride. Jesus loves us perfectly, seeing us for who He originally created us to be and loves us into that place -- He accepts us where we are but doesn't leave us there. He wants us to be just like Jesus. His love isn't tainted by any kind of lies, self-deception, glossing over, justifying, or hiding sin. He also doesn't over-correct through a hyper-sensitive conscience that never feels good enough and is constantly finding things that are wrong or believing some things are sinful which aren't. He is perfect in His perspective and lovingly corrects in ways that release condemnation and guilt, bringing life and freedom. Often, though, people are so bound in sin, guilt, condemnation, and self-hatred that God has to sovereignly break through all of this before we even begin to grasp what loving ourselves looks like. When we grasp the immeasurable love He has for us (and this is a never-ending process, not something we master when we know how to sing "Jesus loves me this I know"), then we see the precious thoughts He has for us -- as many as sand on the seashore (Psalm 139). We see the plans He has for us to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11). When we love ourselves by allowing ourselves to be loved in these ways, we begin to love others (especially God) in the same way. “We love Him because He first loved us.” We forgive others, realizing how much WE have been forgiven. THIS is what He meant by "love your neighbor as yourself". To love anyone only to the degree we love ourselves would be incomplete and diminishing. BUT, if we truly allowed ourselves to experience the fullness of the love of God toward us, our capacity to love others would be just like His love – unending.

Another verse He showed me was from Ephesians: "In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church." In these verses, it illustrates a GOOD kind of self-love: one that nourishes and cares for itself, and (by extension) cares for those connected to him -- his wife, his family, etc. The way and degree to which a man loves himself will precipitate into how he loves his wife...his children. It means loving the new person in Christ – who He originally imagined us to be. This must be nourished, cultivated, protected, provided for, exercised into the fullness of divine health. A healthy soul feeds itself good spiritual food, just like the body – it loves itself in this way, washing it with the water of the Word.

A much clearer verse is this:

"To acquire wisdom is to love yourself; people who cherish understanding will prosper.".  Proverbs 19:8

Okay, so we should love ourselves. Check.

What about forgiving ourselves?

This one took me a lot longer to get to the same point. I was always taught that Jesus is the one who forgives sins, ultimately, and that our forgiveness is really an extension of what He did for us. If we offend others and ask their forgiveness, then they forgive us, or should. Or we forgive them if they apologize and ask for forgiveness. Or we ask for God's grace to forgive people when they don't apologize or even see a need to seek reconciliation, or don't really want to change and keep offending in the same ways over and over. Or think we need to apologize when they are the ones hurting us and others. Even still, we forgive. Or we're supposed to.

But ourselves? I didn't get it. Jesus already forgave me. I'm forgiven. Even when others don't. He's the one who condemns or justifies, so there's no longer any condemnation. Case closed, right?

THEN He showed me this verse: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” (1 Cor. 6:18). He goes on to say that we (as Christians) are not our own and that our bodies are the temple of Holy Spirit. In other words, there is part of us that doesn't belong to us and when we sin in this way, we are trespassing on God's property and violating something that no longer belongs to us. If we can sin against it, than we need to to forgiven by it. It seems strange to consciously distinguish the various parts of our being – soul (psyche), body, spirit, will. But it's Biblical. David told his soul (psyche), “Bless the Lord, Oh my soul.” Our will can violate the body that belongs to God. Our will is an incredibly powerful too – potent enough to eternally damn us, when it's divorced from His will. God has forgiven us when we confess our sins and trust Jesus to release us. However, our body may still be suffering under the damage of the sin against it – in the same way that a friend may still feel hurt by something we said or did.

Here's another Scripture:

“If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” (1 John 3:20).

How is it possible that one part of our body (our heart) can condemn (stand in judgment over, where there is no forgiveness) our whole self? A heart that is not submitted to the Holy Spirit's leading and loving correction may usurp God's authority, take control and try to drive itself, creating a weak conscience, and heap unnecessary condemnation upon the whole person. This creates...a need for forgiveness.

If we can sin against ourselves, we need to forgive ourselves. And to receive forgiveness from ourselves. Consciously.

So, it IS Biblical to also forgive ourselves.

Self-unforgiveness, like a bitter cancer, could be growing inside an otherwise healthy body, stealing the energy the Body needs to thrive, withholding care and nourishment and favor where there needs to be some. He mentions how some of the early church in Corinth were misusing the Communion/Eucharist elements, becoming drunk and thus abusing their bodies, rather than nourishing themselves and others around them with self-control and moderation.

“Those who eat and drink without discerning the body of Christ eat and drink judgment on themselves. That is why many among you are weak and sick, and a number of you have died. But if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgment. (1 Cor. 11:29-31)

When we love ourselves the way He loves and sees us, it becomes a well of life and healing for ourselves and those around us. When we forgive ourselves, it frees us from unnecessary self-condemnation and self-hurt, liberating us to nourish ourselves with His good and perfect gifts. It increases our capacity to forgive others, to love God, and to love people.