Hope from Despair

In this pleasure-seeking, fun-loving society, we do an excellent job of laughing on the outside, as we cry and agonize on the inside. We are “happy and successful”, especially in the marketing industry, where image is idolized and genuineness marginalized. We, in reality, have just hit rock bottom. I hit my bottom about 12 years ago.

Although I had recently come out of a messy break-up, seen my grandma pass away, and began attending college, these were not the main contributive cause of the depression. Mainly, I believe I was living within unrealistic expectations – both from myself and others. People expected me to be smiling all the time, productive, and just go along with the program and not question them. Under these incredible expectations (which weren't about morality but preferences), I felt like there was no one there who cared, or really understood. In addition, there were evil, unseen forces that were trying to influence my mind and spirit to take my own life, and I am certain I would not have been set free without this knowledge. I felt very much alone. I was depressed, suicidal, hopeless.

Failed attempts at recovery included a doctor's visit, where he prescribed Prozac and a change in diet; just “trying to be happy”; more exercise and activity; and regimented counselling (a 'program' to help me get better). Nothing worked.

But I cried out to Jesus– the only place I had left to go. I found God to be completely different than people around me - completely loving, caring, and understanding. Always there. I could tangibly feel His love. I felt His forgiveness. Even though much of what I thought I knew about God was in question, I knew one thing:

"Yahweh is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and he knows those who take refuge in him." - Nahum the Elkoshite

The goodness of God, the unconditional love of God, and the tangible presence of God gave me an anchor for genuine hope. It provided me a moment-by-moment reassurance that I was going to make it and things were going to get better.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says Yahweh, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope in your latter end." - Jeremiah ben Hilkiah

It took time for me to escape completely – over the course of years. I learned to resist (sometimes verbally) the evil thoughts and presences which tried to drag me back into despair. Even though I hated that time of my life, I can see some good that has come through it. This time purged me of a negative, condescending, and critical attitude toward others who fail. I became extremely sensitive and compassionate toward people who are struggling with depression and can sometimes pick them out of a crowd. I learned to recognize where my heart is truly at, not just ignoring my emotions. I have a greater revelation of grace – what it means to know that God loves me and wants me to succeed in spite of the knowledge of how I have failed Him. I have a greater trust in who God truly is, and discernment about who some say He is. I gained more courage to face intimidation and abuse of power and authority. For these, I wouldn't trade that time in my life for anything and can honestly say, “I was worth going through.”

Health, hope, depression, success, suicide